~ From my heart
As I get closer to the 3rd anniversary of Cypress Ministries (July 10th) I find myself in something I have not felt before; a SQUEEZING of some sort! Almost like life is being squeezed out of me, and I find it very hard to breath. I also have found myself very irritable. Not in a bad mood, and I am not mad at anyone-- just very edgy and almost like I am to my last nerve. And everything seems to be aggravating me! I really feel like I am being squeezed and about to come out of my skin! Part of my prayer today has been, "Lord, please don't let me damage or hurt anyone around me as I 'explode.'" The breathing has been kind of labored but not like one of a panic attack, but more as if trying to breath while one of my sons give me a bear hug-- pretty hard.
But through it all there has also been a peace and an inner strength that I cannot quite explain. And most of all a "thanks giving" for all God has brought me through and done for me. These past few weeks have been a time of reflection-- I am reminded of the Israelites as they stood and listened to Mose recall all that God had done for them right before crossing the Jordan. And it has me thinking-- is this where I am at? As I look towards the future and July 10th, I do so with an awe of all that God has done these past 3 years. The changes He has made in me, the things He has taught me... It has been a time of worship-- even through the hurt and discomfort.
I eagerly look towards the breaking of a new day, but I also find myself wanting to spend as much time as I can hide under my Father's wing... so excited to venture out, but not quite wanting to leave the safety and comfort of where He has had me hidden for so long.
I found a journal I had forgotten about that I had written in 3 years ago. It made me smile as I read some of the verses that had spoken to me back then, and it made me grin even more as I read my thoughts and prayers-- because I can see where I am not the same anymore. I can see for myself where I have grown. I can see my "baby steps" at stumbling attempts at taking a step of faith, not quite sure that it was what God was calling me to do, but now so certain that there is no hesitation in stepping out.
In the journal I also found a few golden nuggets as I read some of my "God moments" I had forgotten about....
I don't know what is on the other side of next Tuesday, but I am fixing to find out. I don't know what awaits me, I only know I hear "it's coming" I feel like Elijah sending the servant out seven times to look for the evidence of rain clouds that he was certain he heard. I don't know how life will be next week or what will change (if anything to the human eye), I only know that God is faithful. And He has changed me, and I am very thankful.
"Lord, thank You for this time of reflection. Lord, thank You for this time to sit in worship and silence as I recall this walk You have led me on. Thank You that as I look back at my time in the wilderness-- there are two sets of footprints. Thank You that though You brought me out here, You did not send me out alone, You have been here every step of the way. Thank You for seeing me through. Thank You Lord, for all that You have done for me and my family these past 3 years. Lord, I do not know what awaits me next week, but I know I do not face it alone. Thank You that You are with me in this today, and that You will be with me in there later too. Lord, I praise You for Your faithfulness. I praise You for being mighty, thank You for Your comfort, and for all the times You have picked me back up, and the times You have set my feet on solid ground. Thank You for Your support, and Your provisions. Thank You for Your protection, and thank You for growing me in Your grace as I have had shelter under Your wing.
In Jesus' Name, Amen."